What If Anger Could Bring You Back to Yourself?

The amount of emotional pain you have inside is equal to the amount of love you need.
-Veeresh

The first anger I was confronted with was my mother’s. It came unexpectedly, roaring down the corridors, leaving me scared and shaken. Even as a little girl, I could sense that she felt embarrassed that she couldn’t control her anger, and would explode like that. Her anger was the peak of all the things she couldn’t keep together anymore.

As I grew up, I copied the same behavior. I accumulated hurt, pain, and stress, piling it up until, in an unaware moment, I let it all out – leaving in its wake astonished friends, damaged relationships and missed opportunities. Afterwards, I felt ashamed, and just like with my mother, it felt bigger than me, as if I had no control over it.

You might have other ways of acting out your suppressed anger. Perhaps you become hostile towards the people around you, make sarcastic jokes, or find yourself bursting into tears easily. Suppressed anger can also make you space out, dissociate, become confused, emotionally shut down, or disconnected from yourself and others.

In our society, anger is often seen as something negative that needs to be managed or controlled. A quick web search on “anger” shows prompts that describe ways of fixing a problem: “control”, “solve”, “help”, or “treat”.

In traditional anger management, the focus is mainly on control and regulation, or on reducing the intensity of the emotion. How often have I heard “count to ten” when facing this strong feeling, as if my only option is to wait and hope it will go away, or as if I’m not supposed to experience anger at all.

What is Anger

Anger is a natural human emotion that arises when something is perceived as wrong, unfair or threatening, preparing the body and mind to respond and to protect itself. Anger is tied to our basic survival and related to the “fight, flight or freeze” response of the sympathetic nervous system.

In psychological approaches such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), anger is often understood as a secondary emotion, which means it can be driven by underlying feelings such as hurt, fear or frustration, and shaped by how we interpret a situation. While anger itself is not inherently negative, it can become harmful when it is misdirected or poorly regulated.

It is therefore not helpful to vilify anger and to try to erase it.

Expression instead of suppression

In Humaniversity Therapy, anger is seen as a natural life energy—not something “bad” that needs to be subdued. The key understanding is that emotions, including anger, are often repressed. Over time, this repression creates tension, stress and a deep sense of disconnection, which are the things that make anger destructive. Repressed anger is the “nos” that you don’t express and that eventually turn against yourself. In his book When the Body Says No, the well-known author and physician, Gabor Maté, argues that chronically suppressing emotions—especially anger—can contribute to physical illness over time.(1)

When anger is expressed constructively, it becomes a powerful source of clarity, healthy boundaries and authentic connection. It helps you express your needs honestly and channel your energy into passion, vitality, creativity, motivation and love. Sexuality too, is often buried under layers of un-expressed feelings, keeping you somehow dull, numb and bored.

As a teenager, and later as an adult, I experienced what I used to call “anger attacks.” It wasn’t until I began my therapeutic journey at Humaniversity that I started to understand where they came from. I lost my father at a very young age, and at the time, I had no way to process that loss. The sadness and grief were too overwhelming, so I pushed them down. In doing so, I became disconnected—from myself and from others. I longed for love, but reaching out felt too vulnerable. Opening to softer feelings like love and tenderness meant touching the pain I had buried.

When I exploded, I could feel myself again. My blood would rush, my face would turn red, and a surge of energy would move through my body. For a moment, I felt alive. On the negative side – it created so much chaos, that I realized eventually that I needed to learn a different way to deal with my feelings. That way became emotional release.

Structured expression (not random outbursts)

The Emotional Release approach encourages you, instead of controlling anger, to consciously express it in a safe structure. The Humaniversity AUM Meditation, for example, is a guided emotional journey in which you are invited to express a wide range of your emotions (including anger) and in that way to create more space for joy, love and positivity. AUM stands for Awareness, Understanding, and Meditation. The idea behind is that once you express your emotions in a conscious way, you realize you have a choice of when and how to express them. “Spread your feet, bend your knees and tighten your fists”. This is how I consciously started to connect with my anger. To feel my belly and become aware of my breathing. I may shout, use my voice and act out anger. The rules and boundaries are clear, and in an emotional release session there is always one or more facilitators guiding the process.

I expressed my anger during the Catharsis stage of the Osho Dynamic Meditation, during the Humaniversity AUM Meditation or by participating in Humaniversity Flushing™ sessions. Stamping my feet, hitting mattresses or free-associating with my voice. I could curse, ventilate and be ugly and outrageous. I was wild. There was no one to judge or accuse – not even me. I felt free.

Every emotional release session is balanced with positivity, support, and reassurance. The goal is not simply to express “negative” feelings, but to open the heart, release what has been held inside, and create more space to give and receive love.

Doing it together

One important element in a structured emotional release session is that it is done within a group of people. Facing another person acts like a mirror in which I can see how I project my anger and how I react to others’ anger. In the Anger stage of the AUM, I am encouraged to express in my own language and not to listen to the other. If I found it challenging to get in touch with my own anger, seeing another getting angry, may trigger something inside of me, and before I know it – ‘I am fully in it!’. My face tightens, eyes become like slits, my jaws clench and I hear my voice roaring from deep inside. The anger takes over and gives my body an extra boost. I feel I can go on forever. Afterwards something lightens up, bringing a calmness and relief I have never felt before. I meet those whom I was screaming with and exchange soft words and a hug. “If I hurt you I’m sorry”, I say, and I hear it echo back to me. I may feel touched. Tears that were pushed down a long time ago are surfacing, giving space to vulnerability. I feel new hope and clarity. My heart is open.

Embracing your anger allows you to love fully

When my heart is open, I can mend any rupture in my life. I don’t need to hold on to resentments, I can forgive, be forgiven, and start fresh again. I can express my needs and listen to others’ needs. When I embrace my anger I can use it to create the life that I dream of; the relationships that nourish me and the friendships that fulfill me. When I transform this intense, beautiful emotion, I feel empowered to tackle any in my way.

Today, when someone is stressed or getting angry around me, I can sometimes experience how my body tenses up. It is the little girl inside of me, who feels she needs to protect herself. With the awareness I gained over the years, I can reassure her that she is ok now. No need to fight, freeze or run. And, when I get angry, before I lash out, I question myself – what is it that I truly need and is there a way that I can ask for it?

(1) Gabor Maté, When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress (Toronto: A.A. Knopf Canada, 2003).