Family Constellation and Generation Trauma

Article by Sambodhi

I recently had the realization that both my father and I were influenced by dramatic, life-changing events at the age of 13.

I may not have given it much thought if I hadn’t read the groundbreaking book by Mark Wolynn, It Didn’t Start with You, a remarkable healing guide that explores how inherited family trauma shapes who we are—and how we can end this cycle.

In the 1930s, my father’s family lived in Berlin. It was a dark time for Jewish people in Germany, and it was becoming even darker. My great-grandfather was a wise man who sensed the danger and encouraged the whole family to leave. It was a difficult decision. Two of my father’s aunts decided to stay and were later killed in the war times. My father’s family eventually left Berlin in 1933 and settled in what was to become Israel. My father was 13 at the time.

I hardly ever heard my father speak German, even though it was his mother tongue. I never heard him talk about his aunts either. When he was 18, he changed his name from Zinger to Argov. He did not tell me much about his childhood in Europe, and I never thought to ask. My father went on to become a respected and well-known artist, yet he always felt like an outsider. He was often excluded from social groups and major art movements, and it was never clear why. It didn’t quite make sense.

Then came a message in my dream, and I began to connect the dots. For most of my life, I have felt overly sensitive to rejection and often reacted strongly—sometimes disproportionately—when I felt unaccepted or when a boyfriend left me. For many years, I believed this was simply part of my sensitivity and my own path of learning and growth. Recently, I realized that the feelings I experience around rejection are not entirely my own. Something about their intensity and emotional texture felt as though I had tapped into a deep pool of pain inherited from my Jewish ancestors.

My father did everything he could to hide his German name and accent. He tried to be as “Israeli” as possible. He did not openly show his sadness, but I could sense it hiding behind his humor, his big cheeky smile, and his sparkling eyes. We had an incredible bond. He died following heart surgery at the age of 62. I was only 13 at the time—the same age my father had been when he was forced to leave his homeland.

Understanding that my pain around rejection is rooted in my father’s past experiences has allowed me to feel more compassion—for him and for myself. Rejection no longer feels so traumatic. It used to be deeply triggering and intimidating, leaving me feeling stuck or frozen. Rejection is still part of life, of course, but my reactions to it are much lighter now. I can move forward in my relationships with greater ease and grace. I can embrace all parts of myself and welcome all aspects of my life.

In my two-day Family Constellation workshops and in the individual sessions I guide, I invite you to explore the mystery and discoveries of our roots—and the healing and transformation we can bring not only to our own lives, but also to those who gave us life, and to the generations yet to come.

Sambodhi