The WOW Brought Me Home

By Amrit

I have recently become a Humaniversity Staff Member in Training, which is something I have wanted for many years. I have used this graduation to reflect on my life here, where I have come from, and where I am going. 

I walked through the doors of the Humaniversity on January 13th 2020, coming for the HAPI Program (Humaniversity Addiction Program Intensive), following years of drug and alcohol addiction. Back then I could not have dreamed that I would be sitting here today, clean and sober, and as a Staff Member in Training. I tried for years to change my habitual drug and alcohol use, with little success. I needed the support of this community to help me change, and to learn how to relax with who I am; a journey which I am still undertaking. This journey is centred around accepting myself, particularly with what I am feeling, which was always a challenge for me.

My tears are something that I have not been able to accept, or express since I was a young teenager. Although today it is easier, I can still find myself wanting to escape a situation when I want to cry, or I can also repress my own tears, causing a state of panic. In recent years I have experienced that as a baby my parents left me alone when I would cry in the night, believing this to be the best method to help me ‘self-soothe’, however what I learnt was that whenever I cried, I was alone and nobody was there for me. This message developed as I started going to school, where I was bullied whenever I would cry. These experiences taught me that there was something wrong with me when I cried. I learnt that it was safer to shut down and to repress how I felt rather than to express it and risk being abandoned or rejected.

A turning point along this road was during the WOW, our one-month summer intensive workshop, where I was able to accept my hurt and to allow my friends to embrace me with my tears. For four weeks each summer we undertake a group process where we are supported by the staff to create more joy, love and trust within ourselves. We focus on emotional expression, creating authentic connections with others, celebration and friendship.

During my WOW I was encouraged to look at and to experience my emotions. At the time, my emotional world was something I felt I had to hide and protect, presenting an image to the world of someone who had it all together, believing this to be an attractive trait. We were divided into smaller families where I was encouraged to share how I was feeling emotionally. This was daunting for me at first as I could not articulate how I felt, but step by step throughout the WOW I learnt how to identify and express what was happening inside of me.

Over my time living at the Humaniversity I have learnt to appreciate the importance of my emotions, because they guide me towards what I need and want. At a young age through repressing these emotions I lost my way and disconnected from my passion and purpose for living. Through workshops such as the WOW, I have learnt to engage with my emotions, and I experience more independence, joy and fulfilment.

Whilst writing this article, one experience in particular came to mind to illustrate this point: when I was sixteen years old I discovered that my girlfriend was cheating on me with my best friend, which had been happening for weeks behind my back. This devastated me, I felt hurt, ashamed, embarrassed, enraged and deeply insecure, questioning myself as a man. I lost trust in friends, both men and women, and myself, burying the hurt deep inside of me.

For years I sabotaged relationships because I assumed the same would repeat itself, and I continued to do so after moving to the Humaniversity. Whenever I would relate intimately to a woman, I would hold back, never really allowing anyone close to me, assuming that they would eventually leave me and betray me. I carried the same mistrust with any young and attractive man that would walk through the front door, presuming they would betray me. I did not realise at the time, but this unresolved wound was dictating how I related to the world.

During a session in the WOW I felt a pain rising inside of me, and for the first time I felt safe enough to allow it. I began to cry and one by one the group gathered around me and embraced me in a group hug. I let go and with my tears came the memory of this pain when I was a teenager. I was encouraged by Isha to stay with what I was experiencing, and I did, with the support of my WOW family. I cried for a couple of hours, and it was liberating. I felt a weight lift from me and I was home; I felt vibrant, alive and connected.

Since this experience I have not felt this pain dictate how I relate to my girlfriend or to new male friends in my life. I have been able to allow another person into my heart. The memory is still there, as are my fears, but they do not rule me anymore, I have the freedom to choose how I relate. I was courageous enough to allow myself to feel all of this and to heal this wound because of the power of the group. I felt held and supported enough to face what was most pertinent, and I did not have to carry it alone. What I love the most about the work we do, particularly in the WOW, is that we do it together. For most of my life I felt alone and scared, but here I am not alone, and I have friends to hold my hand when I am afraid. 

Although I have become a Staff Member in Training, my work is far from done, and I already look forward to the WOW to come. I want to use this upcoming month to explore my inner world again, and to use it to create new friendships, because that is where I feel the most nourished. There are also insecurities that I harbour around being sensitive and vulnerable as a man, which I wish to embrace further. This house and the people in it have given me a new lease of life, and I am committed to passing on that same care, patience and love to others. 

I hope to see you soon.

With Love, Amrit