The Double ‘No’ Concept

Be Here Now

The overall assignment is simple: be here now. And when you realize you’re not here now, use that very realization to come back. Bring yourself back into the moment. The difficulty is in how to do it, because if you’re not in the moment, you can forget about the rest of your life. Nothing will happen that truly satisfies you.

So let’s begin by assuming that you are a good person. Your heart is built on a good feeling, on love. You were born to walk this planet with a basic sense of I’m okay, the other is okay, and the world is okay. Even when the world looks terrible, it is still okay. That is our basic reality, and from there, you are in the here and now.

When Life Steps on Your Toe

Then life happens. Something uncomfortable comes along. Someone hurts you, you feel rejected, and it stings.

Imagine you’re minding your own business, and someone walks by and steps on your toe. What would be an authentic way to deal with that? The ideal response is beautifully simple: “I feel hurt. My foot hurts. Could you please step off my foot?” — “Oh, sorry!” — “Thank you.” Done. You go on living your life.

But that’s often not what we do. We think, I don’t want to disturb the other person. Maybe I shouldn’t say anything. It’s just my foot. It’s just a tiny detail. I have another foot. It doesn’t really matter. And just like that, we say ‘no’ to ourselves.

Saying No to the No

The first reaction was honest: No, this hurts. I don’t like a foot on my foot. From there, I could easily create a better situation. But more often than not, we slip into our conditioning and say ‘no’ to the ‘no’. And that’s where the anger comes in: Damn it, it’s always me who gets hurt! You’re doing this on purpose! You remind me of my father, who always stood on my foot…

Suddenly your story, your whole history, comes marching in. You override the original moment and deflect your energy. You leave the present, go back into the past, and start acting out your conditioning, or the image of how you think you should be. You miss the moment.

I call these coping strategies, survival mechanisms, conditioning. Whatever name you give them, they all come down to the same thing: saying ‘no’ to your pain.

If you keep doing this, fear begins to develop. What if somebody steps on my toes? So you walk around with your feet tucked away, unwilling to expose yourself to hurt. You become cautious and fear-based. Or you turn to anger, pushing people away before they can reject you. Or you collapse and freeze, holding your breath, hoping to get through without going in either direction, numbing yourself until you’ve shut down completely.

In each case you are no longer present. You are already protecting your heart and your vulnerability, and acting out something that is not natural to you.

The Good News

The good news is that all of these ‘nos’ are natural. We learned them as we grew up, and they had a purpose. They helped us survive and cope with situations that were stressful or emotionally overwhelming. They served us well as children. But today we no longer need them, and it’s time to become aware of them, to counterbalance them, and to develop healthier, more loving and fulfilling strategies in their place.

That is why I ask: Who do you want to be? How would you like to be, in an ideal situation? This is something you have to learn and practice.

Turning No into Yes

So when you notice that you’re saying ‘no’, whether to the situation or to your own ‘no’, pause, and accept it. This is the first step.

When you accept yourself in the middle of a stressful moment, you step back into the here and now. I’m okay, and the world is okay. And I’m okay with my ‘no’. Your ‘no’ is not the enemy. It is pointing you in a direction. It is showing you the love you are missing, and the emotional needs in your heart: I need to feel seen. I need to feel accepted. I need to be welcome. I need to feel lovable. I need love, not pain.

The challenge is that you cannot accept yourself through your head. It has to go through your heart. You have to feel the acceptance. Once you do, you land in the here and now, and your ‘no’ becomes a ‘yes’.

From that place you can look for positive solutions, for you and for the other person. “Hey, you’re standing on my foot. It hurts.” — “Oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t notice.” You give feedback. You express yourself, ideally in a way that lets people feel you, appreciate you, and respond to you in a positive way.

That is your responsibility: to give what you need, and to create what you need, without placing a demand on the other. Then you’re back on track. It’s very simple, and yet very challenging.

Your Next Step

So now I invite you to look at your next step, and to be honest about it. Don’t put up a nice image. Only you know where you need to go.

Keep looking at the negativity. Keep accepting it, keep processing it, and keep going deeper into it. Get to know your ‘no’ programs, and practice accepting them more genuinely. Perhaps you are already familiar with this, and it’s time to look at positive solutions and how to initiate them, through sharing, expressing yourself, or reaching out. Simple things.

Above all, be honest. You are doing this for yourself, not for anyone else. If you have the courage to dive in and go all the way, you will come out the other side. You will see the light, and you will come out in love.

Anyone who walks this path becomes more loving than when they started. Each time you look honestly at yourself, you break through another layer, and it shows. Something in the face softens, and the beauty that was always there comes through. There is no going back: you can never become the person you were before. Your habits, though, you can always pick up again. They lurk around the corner, saying, “Hello, I’m here. Remember how comfortable I was?” They were a great way to avoid life, to avoid exposing yourself, and to avoid being truly honest inside, because that is what it comes down to in the end.

That’s why I want you to build a deeper relationship with yourself. When you look into your own eyes and open your heart to yourself, you will feel it, and you will see it, when you are not being honest.

Become your most loving self and give what you need. This is a beautiful way to be.

Thank you, Veeresh for showing me the way, love is always the answer.