I joined the Tourist Program in order to learn who I am. Aged 46 and having had no real long term relationship, I realized my heart was closed to people, a protective habit from childhood. My behaviour has been predominantly distant, aloof, arrogant. There was always a gap between me and the other. I could not surrender to love. Without a radical decision on my part, that was not going to change.
Diving into the Tourist Program has exposed parts of me I didn't want to admit existed. I was the Emperor Caligula for 2 days! Playing an insane narcissist gave me insight into my own arrogance that I was mainly unaware of and was keeping me separate from people. Exaggerating characteristics in this way is a key part of the program and helps me to gain awareness, the only way meaningful and lasting change can happen.
The therapists are truly world class at dealing with and understanding people and I find their engagement, and that of the community and my peer group, the Tourist Family, tremendously supportive. There is no doubt that they all love me and want the best for me so I feel safe enough to emerge from behind the protective blanket of my image.
They help me to be the person I am, and to try out new behaviours and ways of being that are more authentically me. From compulsively performing to get attention from the authority figures (mum and dad) I am learning to relax and be more myself, less concerned with how I look on the outside. It still feels strange, but then what doesn't at the beginning?
There are constant challenges to look at myself – what do I feel and more importantly, why do I feel that way? And plenty of space to explore and express those feelings in the many daily sessions. I learn that my pattern of holding on to resentments and judgements about people serves only to keep my heart closed and my eyes blinded to the actual person behind the grudge.
I got into the project of cleaning up my past by expressing the pent-up negativity in my system and flushing it out. I am learning to prevent more build up of toxic energy by confronting people and situations that cause negative feelings to arise. Very new behaviour for me. I make friends, have lovers, dance, eat well, get fit and healthy and have dropped a lot of baggage that was not serving me. If I can do it, you can do it too!"
Gillingham, England
April, 2009
